


split perception

by AniMimi



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Body Horror, Body Image, Crying, Cutting, Gen, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Human & Country Names Used (Hetalia), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Men Crying, Mild Gore, Nazis, Panic Attacks, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Stabbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, Wordcount: Over 1.000, Wordcount: Under 10.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:36:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniMimi/pseuds/AniMimi
Summary: Ludwig knew he was handsome. His body was muscular, his face attractive and sharp. Some people would go as far as calling him perfect.And sometimes he was proud of how he looked.And there were others times, much darker, where he wished to look different. Were the blond hair and blue eyes revoked memories he wished to forget."Brother what happened?"
Relationships: Austria & Prussia (Hetalia), Finland & Germany (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia), France & Prussia & Spain (Hetalia), France & Prussia (Hetalia), Germany & Prussia (Hetalia), Germany & Sweden (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Prussia & Finland (Hetalia), Prussia & Spain (Hetalia), Prussia & Sweden (Hetalia)
Kudos: 19





	split perception

**Author's Note:**

> Prussia - Gilbert  
> Germany - Ludwig  
> North Italy - Feliciano  
> Austria - Roderich

Ludwig knew he was handsome. His body was muscular, his face attractive and sharp. Some people would go as far as calling him perfect.  
  
And sometimes he was proud of how he looked. He liked looking the way he did and worked on improving it. He wasn't self-conscious; he loved being naked as much as Feliciano did. His summer vacation wasn't completed without a visit to a FKK beach.  
  
And there were others times, much darker, where he wished to look different. Where the blond hair and blue eyes revoked memories he wished to forget. Where his sharp face disgusted and scared him. Too sharp, too linear, too perfect, almost unnatural.

* * *

And that was how Gilbert found him one day. He leaned over a slimy blood covered sink in the bathroom, his hands clinging to the edge. Gilbert couldn't see his face. A pocket-knife - given to him by his brother when he was a child - and towels stained red lay by his feet. It reeked of blood.  
  
 _"Brother what happened?"_  
  
Ludwig mumbled something. Gilbert took a cautious step forward. Ludwig flinched.  
  
„I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry"  
  
  
He lifted his head, looking into the mirror. He could see Gilbert's shocked face and Gilbert could see what Germany had done to himself.  
  
His cheek had deep cuts and missing pieces of flesh; you could see his teeth. His eyes -or what was left of them- were running out of his eye sockets and down his face. His chin was particularly cut off and hanging by strings of flesh.

  
Gilbert threw up in the hall. He tried to block out the smell of vomit that mixed with the smell of blood. He knew that Ludwig would be fine the next day -being a country- but _Gott verdammt_ it was ..  
  
" _Bruder es tut mir leid_ " Ludwig whispered before falling to the floor unconsciously.  
  
Gilbert tried to calm himself down, he really tried. He had gone through war, he had seen families die, from torture, from bombs he had seen it all. Disfiguration to limbs missing and brain showing. But his own brother. He couldn't take it.  
  
 _Oh Gott_ don't let Feliciano come home.  
  
He left his brother in the bathroom, stepping over his vomit in the hall, to their phone line.

**" _Bonjour?_ "**

"Francis, you can't let Feli come home to us"  
  
"Gilbert what is going on? Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes no‽. No time to explain. Just keep him away from the house"  
  
" Okay. Mon vieil ami, you better explain yourself later"  
  
"Yes, thank you bye"  
  
He hung up before Francis could answer.

  
  
**" _¿Diga?_ "**

"Gilbert. Antonio are you busy?"  
  
"Yes. Francis suddenly called and me Romano and Feliciano are invited to lunch there"  
  
"Ah okay. Bye"  
  
"Eh- are you okay? Bye!"  
  
That's only half good. At least they won't come here.

  
  
But who could be call? Japan?  
  
 _No that poor soul has seen enough.  
  
_ There was one person left he knew.

  
**" _Hallå Ludwig_ "**

"Hallo Schweden its Gilbert"  
  
" _Åh_ , what can I do for you?"  
  
"Are you busy?"  
  
Gilbert could hear Finland in the background talking to him.  
  
" _Väl_ , I can make time if it's important"  
  
"Ja it's very important. Ludwig he.. he stabbed himself. He cut his flesh. I-I can't see it. I need help"  
  
"We are on the way"  
  
Then the line cut off.

  
  
Gilbert slammed the phone back down and just stood there for a moment. Doing breathing exercises to try to calm down.  
  
 _Had it been irresponsible to leave his bleeding brother on the floor of the bathroom? Probably, but at least he was calling for help.  
_  
Gilbert heard the front door opening. Since when had Sweden a key to their home?

Austria entered the house followed by Sweden and Finland. Austria told them something, Gilbert couldn’t hear them as he was too deep in his panic and then Roderich turned around to him and he suddenly sat on the couch in the living room. Roderich was squatting in front of him, holding his hands and talking.  
  
“-an you hear me? Gilbert? Can you hear me?”  
  
Gilbert tried to speak but his throat was closed up, so he nodded instead. “Good. You are very pale and having a panic attack. They are going to take care of Ludwig. I’m going to get you something to drink; you just sit here, understood?” He nodded again.  
  
With that Roderich disappeared. While he was gone Gilbert could hear faint talking and the sound of movement. He wanted to go and have a look but he also didn’t want to go look. He was too afraid to turn his head to the hall. So he stayed where he sat like a good boy.  
  
Austria was there again and held some juice to his lips. Gilbert swallowed greedily to clench the thirst he didn’t know he had. He could taste oranges and stomach acid.

The juice got removed and his mouth was wiped with a wet cloth. Gilbert felt more present then before.  
  
“ _Dankeschön_ ” he rasped out. He took a good look around now that everything made sense to him again. Roderich was here, two of their dogs laid by his feet. The vomit in the hall was gone and Finland stood in the doorframe of the bathroom watching him. Sweden wasn’t seen- probably in the bathroom.

He saw himself in a mirror in the living room and noted that he looked like-  
  
“complete shit”  
  
-with baggy eyes and dried tears -when did he cry?- even more pale than usual, still shaking a little bit.

“Thank you for your help” he said a bit louder into the direction of the bathroom.  
  
“No problem ystäväni. It’s good to see your back with us”

Sweden could be heard saying something and Finland made a gesture to Austria. Roderich turned to him “They are going to carry him out now, don’t look” he said as he grabbed his head to make sure he didn’t accidently looked. They could hear them lift Ludwig and carry him away.

“I told them to put him in the guest room” Roderich said looking after them “as not to shook Italy when he comes home”

Gilbert nodded “He won’t come home for now, France is distracting him”

“That’s good because we still need to clean up the bathroom and that will take a while from what Finland told me”

Gilbert wondered when Austria had talked to Finland when they reemerged from the guest room. Austria let go off his head.

“He will be fine” Sweden stated “We cleaned his wounds and bandaged him up. This eyes are still missing but his face has almost recovered”

“Your bathroom” Finland chimed in “needs a good cleaning. We are going to take the towels and his bloody clothes to dispose of them safely”  
  
“Yes thank you. We figured” Austria answered for him.

“We don’t want to be rude and we definitely don’t want to accidently trigger your experience again, but can you tell us what happened? Ludwig is a friend of ours and we would like to know” Finland talked for Sweden who nodded in agreement.  
  


* * *

  
Gilbert gestured for them to sit down on a couch and armchairs. Then he began.

  
  
“I don’t know if that would be okay with him. He. Do you know about his self-image and body-image problems?”

“Yes he talked about them with me” Sweden answered his eyes very focused on him.

“So as you probably know, the Nazi party _loved_ him for his looks and he always served as an Idol for them and the people. And that totally fucked with his mind. Sometimes he loves who he is and how he looks. No Nazi memory strings attached.

And then there are other times where he absolutely loathes how he looks and who he is. To put it in a nutshell” he breathed out.

“He tried to ..kill himself before. Very often in the beginning of his recovery. At first he just tried to dye his hair and change his appearance a bit. But that didn’t work and he got frustrated and desperate. He tried to end it by shooting himself” he had to pause.

“You don’t have to continue Gilbert” Roderich said in a soft voice to him and began to draw circles on his back.

“No I want to. I haven’t talked about this in a long time” he took another deep breath “ he tried to shoot himself multiple times. It got better and he stopped trying to kill himself. I thought he had stopped doing it. Maybe something triggered him or he had a bad episode again? I don’t know. I just came home to him in the bathroom and he was there like … you found him”

“Thank you for sharing Gilbert, we appreciate it” Finland said “Why don’t you lay down for a bit while we clean-up for you? You must be exhausted”

Before Gilbert could answer Austria agreed with him and took him to his bedroom which was –thankfully- in the opposite direction.

Austria put him to bed how he was and he protested a bit.

“Ok ok. The awesome Prussia will sleep for a bit. Make sure that my brother is safe and don’t forget about Feliciano” he said as he was pushed into the pillow.

“Yes don’t worry. All you have to do is sleep for now. We will take care of everything”

Roderich left the room as Gilbert drifted off to sleep.


End file.
